Mom.com probably won't want to read this post, so I've provided a special section just for her. It's sort of like a choose your own adventure book.
story ="
When we last left our heroes, they were just leaving a lesbian bar that they has accidentally stumbled into. I really can't understand why some of the lesbians gave us such dirty looks - I mean, we were all after the same thing. Anyway, we left Rug Munchies, or whatever that place was called, on a quest to find booze. It was nearly 11:00pm and we hadn't had anything to drink yet. We walked back and forth across the streets looking for a place that served alcohol, which shouldn't have been difficult to find, but it was. One of the places we stopped and Marc's behest was actually a sushi bar - and no, I'm not talking about the lesbian bar again.
We continued our quest, and wandered aimlessly. We walked past a place called "Purr" which had some good music playing, and looked like a fun place to hang out. Luckily, Pedro had spent some time that day researching Cap Hill and had read that Purr was a gay bar, so we skipped it. After all, we're self-respecting alcoholics - we wouldn't be seen in a gay bar.
We walked down a bit further and found a new bar - I have no idea what it was called, but there was no cover so we went it. It was very dark, and seemed quite high-class. There was a vodka bar upstairs, and a woman who appeared to be Madeline Albright. Pedro and I found a table, and Marc ordered the drinks, which we quickly downed. We opted for another round, and it was my job to go get it.
I approached the bar, and asked the bartender what their worst drink was. He looked at me like I had just shit on his shoes. I explained that I wanted a drink that tasted like filth for my friend. That seemed to be a good enough explaination, and he busied himself with pouring random things into a glass. At one point, he walked into the back room, so he may have even pissed in it - I'm not a doctor, I don't know. When he reappeared, he mixed my whiskey-sour, and Pedro's Jameson and coke.
I walked back to our table, and realized that this drink looked nothing like the whiskey-sour that Marc had ordered, so I had to think quick. "They're having a special - if you buy two drinks, you get the house special for free. It's called a Twisted Rose." Marc commented that the first bartender had ripped him off, if that was the case, and we all agreed that he was a complete asshole for doing so. And with that, we all took a pull of our drinks.
Marc nearly went into seizures. He staggered backwards into a wall, and quite possibly was blinded for a second. I don't know how close he came to throwing up, but I wouldn't have blamed him for it. I got him a whiskey and coke, which he drank quickly, and we left.
Our next stop was a punk bar, the name of which I didn't bother to find out. They actually put liquor in the drinks there, so we got drunk quickly. On our way out, we smelled pot and saw a circle of ne'er-do-wells standing close by. Marc and Pedro wanted to ask if we could take a hit, but voted that I had the biggest balls so I should do the talking. Nothing exciting happened there, so I'm just going to summarize: I did and they wouldn't give us any.
Since we were pretty drunk now, we decided to go to a dance club for whatever reason... We had passed one earlier and made our way there. I walked in first, and asked the bouncer how much the cover was. His response took a moment for me to process. He said "Oh, what? *unintelligible sounds drowned out by music* ...cover? No, I don't even care. *music* I just don't care. You can go in for free."
I said "Ok... uh... can my friends come in for free, too?"
"Oh, sure. I don't even care. *music* You can all come in. It's our la.. *music* ...ay night. Go ahead. Have fun!"
We all walked in and took maybe... three seconds to look around. Wall to wall guys. We all turned to each other and said "This is a gay bar" at roughly the same time. I just wanted to drink more, so we stayed and had another round. After we collected our alcohol, we went to the dance floor, which was actually pretty fun. We found an unpopulated corner, and planned to run defence for each other should anyone make any unwanted advances (which nobody did... are we not as sexy as we think we are?). For some strange reason, I decided to take my shirt off. I remember a few people pointing and staring (not in a good way, really...), and then, as if the collective thought of everyone was "well fuck. If he's comfortable without a shirt on, why am I wearing one?", a score of other people took theirs off.
We left shortly after that.
There's other stuff that happened here, but this is getting pretty long, and it's really not important, so I'm going to skip it.
Later in the night, we met a young man named Francisco, whom we asked about possible after-hours clubs, as it was coming up on bartime. Francisco pointed us in the direction of Neighbors, which I knew was another gay bar, though it's not exclusively a gay bar - it's just gay friendly. Francisco was a very, very gay man, as was his friend, Daniel (though it was pronounced "Danielle", apparently). They were with some beautiful women. Of course.
Exactly what happened next, I'm not quite sure.
Pedro and I went to different corners of a parking lot to pee, and then came back to the conversation. Marc went to do the same, and Francisco evidently stood there looking at Marc's dick, which he would spend the rest of the conversation saying how "nice" it was.
Now, it's important to note that earlier this weekend, we watched Waiting... in which the employees of a restaurant have a game where they show their "cash and prizes" to each other, and score points if the other person looks.
Not to be outdone, I whipped out my nuts on the street, and performed a Batwing, which consists of pulling the scrotal sack and stretching it as wide as possible, so it resembles a bat's wing.
Francisco told me I was the gayest one out of all of us, and I told him that I'd like to punch him, but I wouldn't because it would be considered a hate crime. So we went to Neighbors and danced for the rest of the night. If anything else of note happened, I really don't remember it, and even if I did, I'm really tired of typing this, so I'm just done now anyway.
The end.";